By JAC Patrissi | Founder of the “A Call For Change” Helpline and Healing Together Campaign Partner
And Jordan Thierry | Partner, Alliance for Boys and Men of Color and Healing Together Campaign Advisor
America’s current presidential administration is fully male-dominated: of the 18 ranking persons in office, only three of those positions are held by women, and none of them have been involved in the decision-making to begin a war with Iran. This international aggression and the subsequent chaos are the latest examples of how the administration has chosen to deal with conflict and pursue their goals: through intimidation, manipulation, brutal force, and a blatant disregard for the human cost. These same behaviors and the underlying beliefs that sustain them are consistent with the patterns of control and abuse used to help people recognize an abusive spouse or intimate partner.
Intimate partner violence remains a persistent and urgent issue in the United States, with increased rates during the pandemic that have remained high. According to a recent CDC study, more than 1 in 3 women and more than 1 in 6 men experienced violence and/or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetimes.
Researchers and community safety advocates know that a long-term solution to reducing the problem of relationship violence is found by focusing on the thoughts and beliefs people hold to justify harming and controlling others.
The founders of A Call for Change – a confidential and anonymous helpline for people who are abusive and are seeking to change – call these ideas “Abusive Values.” Many of these ideas are rooted in patriarchy – a social system where men and all things considered masculine hold power and moral authority over women, and are weaponized by those deemed inferior or a threat to their sense of self.
The work of organizations like Futures Without Violence, the National Compadres Network, Man Forward, and the Alliance for Boys and Men of Color, aim to help men and boys embody an idea of masculinity defined by being comfortable in our own skin, by sharing power and recognizing the agency of others, by caring about our community, and by advocating against injustice.
But the president and his Administration are the polar opposite of this ideal, instead choosing to pursue a show of force towards an agenda of controlling natural resources and transport routes across the globe. These choices are just some recent examples that portray abusive values. We can see them at play in other recent actions, including:
- Attempting to establish reality patterns to their own liking, despite facts proving otherwise. The United States’ deadly air strikes on vessels in the Pacific Ocean and Caribbean Sea under the pretense of protecting the United States against narco-terrorist threats, while providing no public evidence for their claim.
- Believing they have the right to be contemptuous or violent if criticized. The administration has increasingly used sanctions against international critics of its policies and allies, including Colombian President Gustavo Petro, Brazilian Supreme Court Justice Alexandre de Moraes, International Criminal Court Judge Kimberly Prost, and UN Human Rights official Francesca Albanese.
- Believing they are inherently superior. Take the president’s recent statement regarding Cuba: “Whether I free it, take it – think I could do anything I want with it;” musing recklessly about violating the rights of a sovereign nation.
How the president and his administration choose to address conflict not only influences the tactics of national leaders worldwide but also shapes the actions and mindsets of everyday people. A Call For Change works with the willing–people who have some small motivation to change. He and his administration demonstrate no willingness to see themselves or their approach differently, but if they were to simply pause for a moment of self-reflection – as callers do when they choose to reach out to the Helpline first before demonstrating violence – that time could allow for a moment of self discovery into how their beliefs in their superiority have robbed them of the experience of their full humanity. What does this mean for those of us who want to live in a safer world? To feel safe in our relationships, our neighborhoods, our country?
It requires us to build solutions from the ground up: Helping men and boys sever the ties between masculinity and domination by cultivating other proxies such as compassion, diligence, and service; supporting people who are abusive in their transformation toward living with the values of equity and respect; organizing locally to create neighborhood networks of mutual care and accountability; and joining movements to upend not only the use of state aggression, but also the misogyny and structural inequities embedded in technology and media institutions. As men, we can each cultivate the insight, humility, and readiness we need to be healed and changed into a more integrated, creative, bigger sense of our humanity.
We may feel helpless as our systems and communities exemplify Abusive Values. Every day, we read death reports from US involvement in foreign conflicts and of people who’ve died in the custody of US agencies. And every day in the United States, almost three women are killed by an intimate partner.
We can teach one another to replace the habits of domination with habits of connection. We are not helpless. Creating healing relationships with one another is the solution. Saving lives means doing our part within our community first; choosing healing over hostility, and people over power. Hopefully, one day our world leaders will take note.